When People Say “I Know How You Feel “

When someone says “I know how you feel” to you, it may seem like a kind, empathetic act. But, from a psychological point of view, it is not always the smartest thing. The truth is, you never know exactly what others are going through. As a consequence , it is always better to just listen and let them know that you support them.

One of the reasons this response is problematic is because you often do not even know or understand exactly how you feel. So when someone almost informally throws out that they know exactly what you are going through, it is not very appropriate. Most are neither therapists nor experts in psychology.

It is most likely that you will experience this with those closest to you. Parents often use this phrase when talking to their children. Telling a child “I know how you feel” often gets in the way of them telling you exactly what they are going through in their own words.

You must never forget that every human being is unique and lives in his or her own universe. Their universe may be chaotic, with planets flying around and small black holes no one else can see.

When people say “I know how you feel”, they often do not

Most of us fall into the bad habit of assuming things instead of actually asking. We do this because it requires less cognitive effort and helps us save time. It is much easier to assume that you know something based on the information you already have.

For example, let’s say your colleague tells you that she had a bad day with her partner. You probably want to say “I know exactly how you feel”. It makes you feel empathetic and that you bond with your colleague. But that’s not true. We tend to forget that other people’s emotional frameworks will never be the same as our own.

Furthermore, saying “I know how you feel” in this type of situation is not exactly very empathetic. Instead of acknowledging the other person’s feelings and validating them, you are only validating your own. And it’s not very helpful.

We are naturally inclined to make contact with others, but we do not always know how to do it

While researching for a study at the University of Virginia, Dr. Lane Beckes and Dr. James A. Coan discovered something very interesting. The human brain has a number of neurological patterns specifically dedicated to making contact with other people. It is often we have such a strong contact with other people that we actually feel their pain.

That said, we do not know exactly what the other person’s reality is, even if we feel what they are feeling. A mother may suffer for her child without knowing what is bothering them. A friend may feel your pain without knowing what you are going through. That is why it is so important to know how to bond in an appropriate and respectful way.

What is the best way to make contact with someone who is having difficulty?

Whether it’s a child, a teenager, your best friend, or a stranger, try to avoid resorting to “I know how you feel”. In fact, you should never assume that two people going through the same situation necessarily experience the same feelings.

Here is an example. Dr Klaus R. Scherer and Dr Agnes Moors from the University of Geneva conducted an interesting experiment. They asked 3,000 people the same question: How would you feel if you heard two friends talking bad about you?

Surprisingly, the researchers identified up to 14 different emotional answers to this question. Some said they would be angry. Others would be embarrassed and disappointed. Some felt guilty, others would feel lonely, and some said they would be indifferent because everyone who speaks behind their backs simply can no longer be their friend.

Given the wide range of possible emotional responses to this simple scenario, “I know how you feel” seems less and less appropriate. But what other types of answers are there? The most important thing is to know how to listen. Then one must remember that certain phrases and words can make them build emotional walls.

What should one do?

• Avoid saying things like “there’s nothing,” “I’ve been there, you overreact,” “this always happens to you,” “you need to focus on something else,” and the like.
• Instead of saying “I know how you feel”, say “tell me how you feel”.
• It is not always easy to express how you feel. Emotions are sophisticated and chaotic. Accepting them and translating them takes time. So, what you really need when you feel all these feelings is support and security.

Sometimes, a simple “I’m here for you” is the best answer. After all, the goal is to be present and available. You want to create a feeling of security and intimacy where nothing is assumed and no one judges each other and each other’s feelings.