Shame, A Limiting Feeling That Many Live With

“What will they think of me if I explain how I really feel?”, “I hope they do not ask me, I hate answering questions in front of so many people”, or “I can not speak in front of a large audience because I become too nervous ”are very common expressions for those who live in shame.

To avoid standing out, to despise being the center of attention in any situation, to reject invitations to certain activities… All these things are synonymous with this restrictive feeling. Shame wants us to be invisible. What is further hidden behind this feeling? Let’s dive deeper into this.

Shame, a limiting feeling that paralyzes us

Shame is the enemy of visibility. It is a difficult feeling that makes us hide who we really are out of fear that others will not like or accept us.

According to psychologist María José Pubill, a person who experiences shame lives  in constant fear that others will discover their weaknesses , weaknesses that certainly represent who they are as a person.

More often than not, a person develops this restrictive feeling due to an experience that they felt uncomfortable, or others made them feel uncomfortable. Those around them may have made them feel abnormal.

As a result, the person now avoids appearing imperfect in front of others. The disapproval and rejection caused them to develop so much fear that they now resort to protection to avoid being harmed. This frustrates them greatly, as they feel they can not be who they want to be.

However, experiencing this restrictive feeling involves two aspects. First, shame is always accompanied by guilt and fear. Second, a person who feels this feeling resorts to perfection and control to overcome the feeling of inadequacy they feel. However, the mechanisms that have been mentioned do nothing but hinder their personal growth.

Shame and confidence: Are they related?

Shame represents a great fear of being yourself, of showing who you really are. As we mentioned above, this restrictive feeling will make the victims invisible to others. The individual fears criticism and does not want people to think they are worthless. Experiencing shame therefore means a lack of self-respect and tolerance, which ultimately leads to low self-esteem.

Shame embraces the person in a negative and self-deprecating shield. This explains why those around them may view them as fragile and weak. We must note that a person who is ashamed does not like to be looked at in this way. In fact, they will generally avoid showing weaknesses. But their fear of humiliation is so great that they simply decide to endure it.

To be ashamed is not to feel comfortable in one’s own skin. It means following a path of self-hatred. This does not allow the individual to take control of their own destiny and realize how valuable they really are.

Those who experience this limiting feeling place their self-worth in the hands of others. The reason for this is that they can only see who they are through the eyes of others. They live their lives through the opinions of others. Anxiety goes hand in hand with shame because the person is always worried about not fitting in.

Throw your fears aside to be visible

Although this feeling is seen as very complex, it is possible to make it disappear. How can we defeat shame? Or, what can we do to become visible and value ourselves ?

The first step is to recognize and accept that you feel shame, that this limiting feeling is part of your emotional universe. Furthermore, you should reflect on the consequences, how much it affects your life, the way it limits you, and the things it prevents you from doing.

If you do it sincerely, you will realize that you have become invisible in your own eyes and that you value yourself according to a scale established by others. You need to stop doing this, and instead focus on moving in the direction you want, no matter what others think about it.

The next step is to get to know yourself. You need to make contact with the deepest part of your being and understand why you are the way you are. Do not be afraid to make yourself visible.

This is not an easy thing to do, especially if you have been hiding your true self for a long time. The good news is that it’s never too late to give you a chance to become your own best friend.

Finding out what situation made you like this is also helpful. The starting point can lead you to understand the depth of your wound, which is nothing more than believing that you have failed them around you.

What can you do?

A very useful exercise is to look at yourself in a mirror without thinking about what others think of you. What do you see? Who are you? What are your characteristics? What do you need?

The idea is to free you from expectations, from the mental traps that keep you from being your true self. You are no better or worse than anyone else. Comparing yourself to others will never make you feel valid.

In some cases, we may be angry at the person who made us feel bad in the first place. You should try to release all anger by writing about your feelings and thoughts about the situation. Even better, you can write a letter to that person to tell them everything you have always wanted to say. This exercise will allow you to relive the embarrassing moment and remember exactly what you felt, so that you can release all the negative emotions.

As you can see, experiencing shame means a lot more than having a bad period. This limiting feeling induces us to be slaves to the expectations of others, to despise ourselves and eventually become invisible. That is why it is important to learn to create a contact with ourselves.