Cutting Ties With A Family Member

If you are no longer talking to a family member, there are no doubt reasons to justify your decision. That kind of decision is not easy to make, and it can lead you down a difficult path. The reasons for cutting ties with a family member are varied and include friction, ongoing disagreements, open emotional wounds and unwillingness to change.

Experts in family dynamics say that this type of alienation is a response to some of the most painful situations a person can experience. This does not mean that people suffer when they decide to interrupt communication with a family member. On the contrary, setting boundaries can be a relief. The real pain comes from previous experiences, the same experience that motivated the decision to cut the ties.

Society tends to judge such decisions very harshly. Those who choose not to communicate with family members are immediately branded as “bad”. There is often a complete lack of empathy. No one stops to ask themselves what kind of behavior or circumstances may have justified an important decision like this.

It is also important to note that even if you decide to cut the ties, it is not necessarily the end of the disorder. To really cope with a difficult and painful past, you may need the help of a therapist.

Cutting ties with a family member is a difficult decision

Generally, you cut ties with a family member when you feel that you have reached your limit. Their relationship has broken down, it is negativity that permeates all interactions, the relationship feels toxic. Making the final decision is an important moment, but it does not exist in a vacuum. The problems that triggered it started a long time ago.

Again, this is not an easy decision, and it is not usually taken lightly. In fact, it is so difficult that today there are organizations dedicated to providing support to people who have cut off contact with their families.

In 2015, the Center for Family Research at the University of Cambridge published a study on cool relationships between parents and children. The goal was to gain a better understanding of an issue that is common but quite taboo in our society.

The study was called Hidden Voices: Family Estrangement in Adulthood . Research has shown, among other things, that when people cut ties with one or more family members, it triggers anger in the rest of the family.

Sometimes it does not matter if there is a clear justification for the decision (such as abuse or mistreatment). Not everyone respects this type of decision or is empathetic to the experiences of others.

A breakup with family is emotionally painful and complex

A break-up with the family affects people aged 18 to 60. Some people wait until they are officially adults to make the decision. Others spend more time tearing off the patch.

Sometimes people hesitate because of fear, indecision or social pressure. From a young age, society teaches you that it is wrong to distance yourself from your family. Nevertheless, the number of people who “break up” with the family is constantly increasing. Family psychology experts such as Joshua Coleman claim that this is a “quiet reality” that requires more research and awareness.

When you stop talking to a family member, you experience a complex range of emotions that are not easy to talk about. The problems and suffering that triggered your decision are still there, and you probably do not know how to deal with them.

Many people are ashamed too. They are ashamed of not having a “good” family, of not being able to turn to family members for support and love. They feel bad because they are not sure if they made the right decision, and because of the criticism from other family members.

The stigma of being a stranger to the family and social isolation are also important factors to consider.

Is it the right decision to cut ties with a family member?

As we said before, the decision to stop talking to a family member is not one that anyone takes lightly. It’s not the result of a whim or a teenager’s tantrum.

In most cases, something deeper is happening that has been brewing for a long time. It can be abuse, contempt, lack of support, feelings of invisibility, lack of love or anything else that leads you to finally make this serious decision.

Everyone lives their lives in their own unique ways and has different experiences. Some people have never experienced anything listed above, some people go through it every day. Nevertheless, it is clear that unresolved conflicts are what trigger a breach.

If you want to avoid cutting ties with your family, try to approach the problem in a way that validates and acknowledges everyone’s dissatisfaction and allows for positive change.

When distance is the only way

If it is impossible, distance is the right answer. To make this process as easy as possible, we recommend the following:

• Decide how often you will see each other. Instead of suddenly deciding to never see this person again, you can try to meet each other every two weeks or once a month. Also think about how long the visits will last.
• Choose the most comfortable type of communication. What works best for both of you? Visiting home? To meet at a cafe ? Phone calls, text messages…?
• Evaluate the process along the way. After a few months, see how it goes. Is once a month enough? Or two visits a year? Or maybe the best thing is to stop the communication completely. There is no right answer, it depends on the individual circumstances.

In conclusion, cutting the ties of a family member is not always the end of the problem. Sometimes there are quite a few loose threads and experiences that leave you with a bad taste in your mouth. If you stop communicating with a toxic family member and you still feel unwell, it may be helpful to schedule an appointment with a psychologist.