Abuse – Why Is It So Difficult To Get Out Of It?
Abuse is still a major problem in our daily lives. We read all the time about women who have been murdered by their current or former partners because they could not escape violent relationships. Sometimes the partners attack their ex-girlfriends, but still the victim goes back to their ex-girlfriend again and again. Or they never get out of a relationship that is abusive at all. Why?
This is something that is difficult to understand for many people and they put the blame on the victim. It is common to hear, “If he has hurt you so much, why do you go back or stay with him?” The reality is not that simple. These women are not really guilty. In fact, there are many reasons why it is difficult to leave a violent situation. Keep reading to learn why and maybe help someone who is in this situation.
Emotional addiction and abuse
When you are in a relationship, you should feel that the other person loves you. So how can we define emotional dependence? There is an extreme need for love from a partner that gives birth to the other person’s obsessive thoughts and constant feeling of being abandoned. This can make a woman submissive so that she does not lose her lover.
She ends up prioritizing her partner over everyone and everything (including herself) and idealizes him. This leads her to focus only on his good qualities (although there are not many) and cover up his cruelty and aggression. She also accepts the aggressive partner’s belief that he is the superior.
This connects to anxiety to break up. This frustration causes separation anxiety, which leads the victim to believe that the worst that can happen is that the relationship will end and she will end up alone. So she does everything she can to prevent this. This goes deeper if the abuse is consistent because the aggressive partner often feels sorry and tries to make up for the damage he has done.
It is my fault
The victims of these violent situations may even blame themselves for the violence they are subjected to. In the thought pattern where a woman assumes that her partner is kind and caring, there is no room to accept his violent behavior. So when that happens, the victim is looking for a cause, and most people see themselves as the reason for his behavior. This is why these women do not see themselves as victims, but they feel guilt or responsibility instead .
What happens is that the relationship has a terrible, frightening aggression in a moment followed by good moments that give a feeling of relief. In this scenario , the victim will usually do anything to experience the second part of this pattern more often. She will do it even if it means she ends up burying herself deeper and deeper.
Other reasons why women stay in a relationship with abuse
There is another factor that can stop a victim from leaving a violent relationship – low self-esteem. She sees herself as a person who cannot do things right or as a worthless person, and this is something the abuser tells her over and over again. “You are worthless,” is a common phrase when it comes to verbal violence.
But the abuser does not just use physical or psychological violence against his victim. It is also common for a man to get rid of a woman’s social support network. This isolation of the victim leads to continued addiction or that the victim becomes even more dependent on the abuser. The ultimate goal of this strategy is to ensure that the victim has no one to talk to or ask for help from.
Another form of abuse is learned helplessness. Little by little, the victim begins to lose much of her power and freedom, so she ends up thinking that there is nothing she can do to escape. Then desperation takes over her life and she can see no way out.
Photos by Misael Nevarez, Volkan Olmez and Xavier Sotomayor.
